June has been hard. There I typed it. I feel that I’ve been in a daze since it started. There’s a reason I did A Photo A Day twice. I honestly couldn’t think of anything else to do. That’s a bit unlike me. I feel like sometimes I have so many ideas in my head that the only issue is not having enough time to see them through. For some reason the last month or so those ideas have stopped.
I wasn’t really sure what was wrong with me until I spent some time with myself out in nature this weekend. There was no cell service. Minimal husband distraction. I got to really spend some time with myself. The main chunk of this was climbing a vertical incline for two solid hours. During this hike to hell I started to think more about this ‘June Gloom’ and I started piecing through what was at the heart of it. So bare with me and I’ll take you through that journey of self realization.
I posted a lot of great photos of this hike on my Instagram of the views and the trees, but I never posted this one of me half way through a hike wanting to just end it all and jump off the nearest cliff (there were many to choose from and was sorely tempted).
I love hiking and being in nature so much, but I’ve been so out of shape since last fall that every single hike is a struggle now. That’s something I’d never admit, until now. So anyway, I’m telling husband to go up ahead because he’s barely breaking a sweat with a ‘isn’t this fun!’ grin and I am red in the face, sweating profusely and pretty sure I’m gonna vom.
I’m like the big bad wolf just huffing and puffing my way up this incline with no one else in sight and I start thinking about how a few hours ago in the air conditioning of my car I was really excited to get into nature and start to reflect on what has been wrong in my head lately. Why have all my ideas stopped? I’ve been so busy at work lately I come home, make dinner and by the time I’m done eating at 7:30 I am ready for a shower and the hope that I’m awake enough to read in bed until 9. Lately I’ve been falling asleep with a book in my hand around 8:30.
As I’m dragging my fat ass up what feels like a goddamn mountain I’m wondering how I’d feel if I had a heart attack. A heart attack that suddenly feels very imminent as I can feel my heart trying to escape my body. I mean obviously I’d feel pain and panic, but how would I feel about my life? I started out this site hoping to have a place to be creative, but I remember my first challenge, the Minimalist Wardrobe. I had been thinking about minimalism for years. It felt so good to finally give my wardrobe a shot at downsizing and it felt so good to knock that out. Then I went into Honest Pictures. I had the most fun with this challenge. It was so refreshing to be open about my online presence and help people see that all the content we digest is curated to fit a certain idea. It’s so rare we get the full story from one photo or video clip.
When I started to think of my other challenges. I thought they were fun and taught me things, but nothing felt as good and right as my challenges helping to simplify my life and be honest.
Back to me dying on a butte. Honesty and Simplicity. I’m repeating this over and over to myself as I wipe sweat from my burning hot face, trying to ignore the stench I’m starting to take on. Left step is honesty, right step is simplicity. Honesty, Simplicity. Goddamn how am I not at the top yet? How come I can’t think of a new monthly challenge? Why have I stopped writing? How come June has left me feeling like I’m drowning? How do I escape my Monday-Friday rut that I can’t seem to see a way out of? How come the only time I’ve felt content lately is when I’m sleeping? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Pause for a moment more to let a family pass on their way back down. Their little kid is wearing a Spiderman shirt and I’m trying to not hyperventilate in his face, but I think he sees the struggle in my dead eyes. I might die on this hill.
“You’re almost there!” He beams at me as he passes.
“Cool.” I manage to gasp out.
A woman passes with her two dogs.
“It’s beautiful up there. You’re gonna love the view. There’s only about five more switch backs.”
She must see the panic in my eyes.
“They’re easy. You’ll be fine.”
This woman looks like she climbs mountains for a living. She might be fine, but I am definitely going to die. The group passes and I snag some water out of my bag. I’m thinking of the view at the top and how if it really is a great view as the woman says it’ll make for a great picture to post on Instagram. I’m half way through my drink and I stop.
Am I doing this hike and killing myself to take a picture so I can share it with people? No, that’s not completely true. I really do love hiking and nature. How would I feel if I had left my phone at the campsite though? Nothing to document. That would suck. I realize that I want that picture of the view at the time. I want to post it and have people think what I already know about myself: Holly is someone that likes to hike. Well, that’s true I do. People wont know how hard hiking has been for me lately though if I just post a picture of the view with a #pnw caption. Maybe my picture will say to people: Holly is an adventurer. I wish I could be in nature like Holly.
Now my mind is running through my honest pictures challenge. Didn’t I do a whole fucking month of breaking down this toxic thinking and trying to burn it to the ground? Didn’t I set out to try to be more honest myself? With other people? To help people digest their social content in a healthier way? To show my love for minimalism and how it can help others? How much of that passion, that message have I actually lived lately?
I think guiltily of the bag of thrift shop clothes I have in my closet. The clothes I bought but can’t fit on hangers because I threw all my hangers out with my new ‘light’ lifestyle. I think of the social posts I’ve made lately. Have they been to share an honest experience or to show I’m having a good time? What is the value in my life to just show people I’m having a good time?
I put my water back in my pack and pull out my phone. I snap a pic of my red sweaty face and let my exasperation and exhaustion show through. It’s not the prettiest picture of me I’ve ever taken (not by a long shot), but it’s real.
Honestly, Simplicity. That’s where I’ve strayed off the path. That’s what I really set out to do with this site. That’s what I’ve been lacking online and in my personal life.
I’d like to say that with this realization I suddenly made my body lighter and more free. I was able to bound up the next thousand feet and the Butte that I cursed earlier, I suddenly had a fondness for. These would be lies. After all there were five more switch backs to get to. Fuck this butte.
I ended up taking so long to get to the top that the clear amazing view of Mt. Hood that people on the way down were telling me about was now covered in clouds.
Normally this would have left me frustrated, but I was just glad to be alive. There were a zillion mosquitoes up there too so as much as I’d like to say I spread my arms wide and breathed in the fresh mountain air and took in the millions of trees and breathtaking views, I just ended up snapping this photo and then grumpily asking my husband if we could go now because I was being eaten alive.
I bounded down the way I came up in much less time, with a spring in my step. Despite the view turning out shit, despite globs of sweat under my boobs and the bites on my arms, my creative block seemed clear. Even though I’m a bit more out of shape than I’m used to at the moment I was marveling at how my body manged to take me up that hill. Despite the heavy breathing and straining muscles it was able to do its job and take me where my mind willed it to go. My body is kind of amazing. I’m going to spend less time hating it and more time celebrating it. I’m going to be more honest about it. I’m going to keep simplifying my life. I’m going to Kondo out my closet (again), because it’s okay if it takes a few tries to get it right. I’m not going to solve all my problems in one monthly challenge. I’m going to buy less, save more. I’m going to tell you all about it. I’m going to tell you when I mess up and buy too much. I’m going to share the truth about my trips, the good and the bad. I’m going to share my struggles with simplifying and my triumphs. I want you to share all yours with me too.
So that’s what this new tab on the site will be. A Honest, Simple Life. I think you readers will like it better when I’m honest with you and I realize now that my subconscious likes it too. It punishes me (as experienced by June Gloom) when I fall behind on my passion. Because that’s what it is: a passion. I am passionate about sharing my life with you all. I’m passionate about hearing about your lives and your struggles. Your Photo A Day posts with the #PictureTheLittleThings hashtag inspired me. Your desire to minimize your own closets and kitchens put a smile on my face. You truths about your own travels and vacations made me feel less alone when I struggle away from home.
I do have a new monthly challenge for July that I’m really excited about, but I will be making posts here too to share with you all and have you share with me your simple and honest lives.