Honest Pictures

Honest Pictures – Week Four – Mental Health & Motherhood

We made it! Week four of honest photos. I wanted to close this challenge out with mental health and motherhood. Before we get there I want to reiterate what I’ve been trying to show you all with this challenge. Here is the takeaway: SOCIAL MEDIA IS NOT REAL LIFE.

Let’s go back to the ‘girl Greek island’ I Googled after I asked myself to close my eyes and imagine my dream vacation. I just posted the first picture I found, but the truth is I could have chosen from thousands.

“Our depictions of travel on social media have become an area in which homogeneity has started to be seriously discussed. The problem is all pictures have become identical: iconic tourist destination in the background, woman with the back to the camera wearing a cute dress, clutching at a straw hat. When you travel to any picturesque spot in the world today you encounter lines of young women trying to recreate the same images”

Katherine Ormerod, Why Social Media is Ruining Your Life

There are entire blogs dedicated to where the best photo ops are at tourist locations and if you go to them you will see a LINE of people waiting to get that same exact shot. So I want to remind you again. Here are some images of the same place all those above pictures were taken.

The barriers in question

Really quickly I want to tell you a story of when I was in Vatican City. I was wandering around this pillar statue that was in the middle of the area with all of these stone barriers surrounding it to stop assholes from ramming their cars into it. These really stunning young Swedish women were sitting on two of the barriers with one empty between them. They had their fashionable boots up on the empty barrier touching in the middle and they asked me to take their picture. I took several because I know what it’s like to want OPTIONS before you post. I gave their phone back, they thanked me and I got back in line to get into the Basilica. I passed the area again twenty minutes later (the line to get in is very long), and the two women are still there. This time I watch them ask a guy to take their picture. Have they been there this entire time? He takes their picture, they examine it for a moment before asking ANOTHER PERSON to take their photo. You guys. Is this how we spend our travel time now? Sitting on a cold stone barrier all day asking people to take photos of us in the same positions until we get one we think is post worthy? This can’t be our lives….

So here’s where your mental health comes into play. Weeks ago I asked you all to close your eyes and imagine your dream vacation. I bet most of you thought of photos you’ve seen online from OTHER PEOPLE in locations all over the world living their best life. The truth is you don’t know what was going on in that person’s life when they took that photo and had a caption that just said #bestlife or something else equally absurd. We’ve all done it. We’ve all posted inaccurate representations of our lives. I hope that the last three posts I’ve done have shown you that. What I want to challenge you all to do is when you start to feel that fear of missing out, the anxiety of not living as ‘exciting’ a life as what you see other people doing online, take a step away from the photo that is making you feel that way and imagine the real story behind that photo. If you imagine the girl looking at the ocean with a small Greek village island surrounding her, imagine seventeen other girls standing behind her waiting to take that same photo. Is that how you want to spend your time? Waiting to take a photo of your back so you can put it online and make people feel envious? Is that how we want to spend our time, money and life energy? I’m going to go with no.

The feelings you might have when you see photos like this can be extremely detrimental to your mental health. It can lead you to feel like you aren’t enough. Impostor syndrome starts to reel it’s ugly head. I challenge you to unfollow anyone that makes you feel inadequate. I used to follow a ton of celebrities on Instagram. Now the only verified accounts I follow are the Obama’s (duh) and The Happy Pear, because those boys bring me JOY. I used to scroll feeds of beautiful celebrities feeling less than, wishing I could have the life they do. Without those posts in my minds eye every day I feel so much happier. I follow people I know in real life. My feed isn’t so overwhelming now and in turn I find myself engaging more with people I actually care about and know. I challenge you do to the same. It will do wonders for your self image and mental health.

NOW ONTO BABIES! is a phrase I never thought I’d type.

I want to preface this with the fact that I am not a Mom. I don’t plan to be either, but I suppose you never really know. However, I have a lot of lovely wonderful friends who are mothers and some who are even about to become mothers! It’s VERY exciting for me to witness. I am so impressed sometimes when I see people I grew up with or people whose hair I used to hold back while they puked who are now actually raising small infants and doing a damn good job at it too. I wanted to talk about motherhood though because Ormerod’s book has an entire chapter on it and I think it can really help some women out there who are struggling because even I know, as a non-parent, how fucking hard it is to raise children and god damn people on social media who talk about it like it’s fucking sunshine and rainbows all the time 24/7. Mostly because it can make mothers who aren’t experiencing that to feel like complete shit.

I think we all need to do a better job of being up front and honest about raising kids. It’s okay to show beautiful family photos like this one (the two following excerpts from Ormerod’s book):

“You may see a photo of someone baking vegan treats with their kids, pristine homes in the background, handsome husbands just out of eye shot…these can make a mom who hasn’t showered in three days and eats take out noodles feel incomplete.”


So you feel like shit when this happens because they make it look so easy! Why isn’t it easy for me! Well here’s another bit that I suggest thinking about when you see something like this and it makes you feel less than:

“You can take a perfect motherhood pic and then get right back to the sofa with your sweatpants with baby sick in your hair and no one would know. There is zero point in using those perfect images you see to judge yourself on what you’re doing. ”

The truth is, and I say this with the limited extent of my lens as a non-mom: Motherhood can be a very vulnerable time. As women, we could all do with telling each other our honest experiences, particularly when it comes to our bodies. Enough of the shame.

And don’t even get me going on ‘body bounce back’ shit. Okay, I’m gonna get going on it anyway. Women’s bodies are kind of fucking incredible. We literally GROW HUMAN CHILDREN in our bodies. FOR MONTHS. Our bodies change drastically in this time. Not to mention all the crazy shit that can happen to them after the actual act of giving birth. This disgusting pressure we put on mothers to have the exact same bodies as they had pre-birth is one of the worst things we do to a mother’s mental health. You have just been through something truly incredible and your body will need time to heal and repair itself. Sometimes it doesn’t always go back to what it was 100%.

Celebrities in particular have staff dedicated full time to get them back into shape within weeks of giving birth, with nutritionists, personal trainers, the luxury of not having to go back to work right away 9-5, not to mention NANNIES. I don’t know any mother in real life that has those kinds of resources at their disposal. Most of them just seem to be trying to support their new families as soon as possible after their baby comes into the world (via their vagina. Did I mention women’s bodies are kind of amazing and also insane).

Puke.
Fuck you Maria Kang. An average person’s ‘excuse’ could be a number of things. You make it seem like laziness is the only reason we shouldn’t all have six packs eight months after giving birth. Seriously, Google ‘diastutie recti’ you can’t even lift heavy objects for months after this shit happens to you never mind, 10 lb dumbbells. Come now.

Not every woman’s pregnancy is the same. Our experiences during and after this time are really going to be unique to our own bodies. We need to listen to our bodies and not let photos other people may take while on similar journeys make us feel bad about where we are at in our own journey.

Okay, whew. We made it and I’m only left feeling slightly angry after typing all that. Just one more ‘GO MOMS’ for all you amazing women out there procreating and shaping our next generation. If you want to do a good job, then you already are. If you’re worried about if you’re doing it right then you’re doing it right. Just like with schooling, careers, and every other facet of human lives NO ONE REALLY KNOWS WHAT THEY ARE DOING. We are all just doing the best we can. We are all this dog:

Remember this dog. Print this dog. Put it on your fridge. Put it at your desk. Put it on your child’s forehead. Life lessons.

Remember if photos of other people are making you feel like shit….unfollow them. They aren’t doing it on purpose (I hope!), but that doesn’t matter. You gotta do you first. Don’t let these images of a moment in someone else’s life, ruin YOUR life. Remember that that’s all it is: a moment! We don’t know what was actually going on before, during or after that photo was taken!

That wraps up honest photos month! I hope you all enjoyed it. Let me know what you thought in the comments or anywhere else online. I’m pretty much ‘hollishillis’ on every platform. If you have ideas of what I should do next let me know! I have February mapped out for my monthly challenge and it’s a doozy you guys. I’m actually having real anxiety of how I will manage it. Here’s a hint: news.

Push-up Update: I’m back at it! The first week I did knee push ups and fucked up my shoulder, then I was out two weeks, but I’m back and doing wall push-ups now. I’m trying not to feel weak and sad about this. My journey is not everyone else’s journey. I have to take care of my body and go slow and as much as I want to just get back down and do the knee ones again I’m going to do the wall ones for another week and then try to move to the knees ones again. I did 40 total this week and I was a little sore, but nothing was damaged so I’m feeling good. I still think I will be able to do 100 real push ups consecutively by the end of the year. Slow and steady wins the whatever. See you all for February’s challenge next week!

Honest Pictures

Honest Pictures – Week Three – Jobs and Careers

“Will you take a picture of me at my rock bottom?” I asked my Aunt in her kitchen in Spokane. She had just handed me a giant Costco box of Clif bars her kids wouldn’t eat and some leftover food for my journey back to Portland. I would end up eating those Clif bars for dinner every night for two weeks until they were gone.

Rock Bottom

We were visiting Spokane for the weekend, just a few weeks after I’d been fired for the job I moved to Portland for. We were there to get the rest of our stuff out of storage. I had just spent the last few hours lamenting my woes to her about what I assumed was my terrible decision to move away. I had $167 in my checking account, no savings, no job and two higher education degrees that at the time felt as worthless a receipt paper.

Like many other millennials, I was promised that if I went to college and got a degree I could graduate and go do anything I wanted. If I just worked hard, someone would pay me for my hard work. Unfortunately no one told us the economy was going to collapse in 2008 and thousands of graduates would be left scrambling for any part time job that would pay them so they could eat anything besides Clif bars for dinner.

“Many millennials began their working live after the financial meltdown of 2008, when the stock market lost half its value. If they followed their parents’ script, went to college, and took on debt, expecting their parents’ results. Instead they were greeted with an economy in free fall and fewer opportunities in the traditional job market.”

Vicki Robinson & Joe Dominguez, Your Money or Your Life
Book review here

We made our way back to Portland and our tiny room at my Aunt and Uncle’s home. Jesse continued to work, and I continued to job search and sleep as much as I could. I didn’t do much else and being awake became kind of exhausting. Eventually I managed to get a part time job that paid $10/hr at an upscale outdoor mall in a city just south of Portland. That income allowed us to apply for an apartment in another city south of Portland and we moved again into a really shitty apartment that we could only just barely afford.

I had a lot of fun at that job, but it was still customer service and it felt like a huge step back from the management position in customer service that I left in Spokane. Except now I was paying twice the amount of rent and didn’t have health insurance on top of no full time work. I was making friends though. They were fun and I dipped back into the drinking again. I would not say I had a problem with drinking I just spent too much of my time and money doing it. I was just coming out of my depression and my new friends helped with that a lot. They also liked to go out a lot and I just went along and had a good time. My Instagram posts from the time do not lie about this.

It was not an office. It was a customer service kiosk. Let’s be real folks.

I still felt really stupid for leaving a full time job that paid more to start a part time job that paid less. So I made sure to make my job seem extra fun and cool online. The thing is it was fun and cool. I was working for the property management company for the mall and they let me help out in the office a few days a week doing some marketing, which was the field I was trying to get into. My boss was crazy, but the people were nice and my coworkers were really wonderful. But still, I wanted everyone online to believe that it was paying me much more than it was and it was a full time real career job. That was just a damn lie.

Eventually I had to get a full time job. The part time work was not cutting it and I also really needed to figure out something that would boost me into marketing. So I took a job at FedEx Office, which was really another glorified customer service gig, but with the promise of learning Adobe Creative Suites on the side. A promise that was kept and allowed me to get my next and first career job. So it all worked out but I just have to say that that job was almost worse than any other customer service job I had previously. I don’t know what it is about a place that is literally just supposed to ship packages and print paper for you, but holy shit I’d never been so disrespected in my life. So I spent a lot of time really fucking mad. I’d go to work mad, come home mad, and spend my time off getting mad about having to go back to work. What a nightmare.

The cool part about FedEx though was that I worked with a lot of older people who were really helpful and encouraging to me to not work there forever. They really helped hone my Photoshop skills and we got in some damn good Photoshop wars.

Eventually I’d come home from work and apply for five jobs a day. I was getting interviews like crazy, but nothing was panning out. Then I got a call for a job I didn’t even remember applying to. They wanted to interview me. I spent the next day actually reading through my job application and figuring out what in the world the job was for. Honestly, I still didn’t get it. It was an architecture and engineering firm and they wanted a marketing coordinator to work on things called proposals and put them into layout so I had to know InDesign. Well, of all the creative suites, InDesign was not my strongest, but what the hell. I did the interview and more than the job or the company I really felt strongly toward the woman who interviewed me. She was really excited about my background and didn’t mind at all that I had no experience in the industry or doing anything remotely like this. I almost cried when she actually looked at my education and said my degrees were what helped her make the decision to call me for an interview. Every interview I’d been on before then hadn’t even asked me about them. She could tell from all the side work I had been doing that I was really serious about landing something full time that could benefit from my writing and computer skills. I accepted the job and my income doubled over night.

I did it! I was working full time, not living pay check to pay check and I had some amazing coworkers….for about three months. Then the restructuring came. The company wasn’t doing too well. They laid off my boss, who was really my support with the company, then my amazing co workers all started to take new jobs because they didn’t like the new management. Also, I hated the projects we were working on and without the support of my old boss I was left to do a job I wasn’t really prepared for or hired on to do. Still, my online presence was assuring anyone who was watching that I had MADE IT.

So I spent my days looking for a way out again. My group that started with six people went down to 100% turnover in a year. They hired one person to help me and I was suddenly the most senior marketer at the company with one year of experience. Luckily they hired someone really amazing who had been in the industry forever and realized her mistake in taking this job the moment she showed up. We both were trying to get out and she actually helped me get an interview at the company I work at now.

Now I could tell you that my new job of almost two years is perfect and wonderful and I have it made. It’s true my income shot up again with it, and I do have a great office location with amazing coworkers. I am lucky in that regard. but I am coming to realize that this industry is not for me. I like it well enough and it works for now, but I’m not raving all over social media about my perfect occupation or anything anymore. It just wouldn’t’ be the truth. The truth is it’s working for now and I’m happy enough.

Five years ago I would have looked at me now and thought YES WE FINALLY DID IT. WE HAVE ARRIVED. But the more I work and the more time I put into something I’m not super passionate about the less I think I really have ‘made it’. I’m starting to realize that there is nothing more valuable than my time. The moments I have left. How do I want to spend it?

So that’s the truth of my entire journey from Spokane to Portland. It’s been kind of crazy. The beginning had lots of downs, and I wasn’t always honest online about any of it really. The last three years though have been really lovely and I’m enjoying it a lot. We’ll see what happens next, but I promise I’ll be more honest about it as it comes up.

Push Ups: Still on a resting break as my wrist has been killing me this week, but I am 95% healed and will take up the task of getting back to it this next week. I don’t want to give up on this goal.


Book Reviews

Your Money or Your Life by Vicki Robin and Joe Dominguez

I’m five books into my 75 book challenge this year and this is my favorite book I’ve read so far. It really got me thinking about my time and how I spend it and I wanted to recommend it to you all and tell you a bit about it.

This book has been out for a long time, but recently a revised edition was published to fit into more of the technology and millennial mindset of todays new adults. The book is essentially a nine step program to become financially independent and start seeing the value of our time.

A particular gem in the beginning of the book really got to me and startled me quite a bit. Robinson actually describes my work day 100% Monday-Friday.

We act busy, scroll through social media feeds. Hide mistakes. Smile when handled impossible deadlines. Give a sigh of relief when the ax known as “restructuring” or “downsizing” or even “lay off” falls on other heads. Shoulder the added workload. Watch the clock. Argue with your conscience but agree with the boss. Smile again. Five o’clock. Back in the car or on the bus or train for the evening commute. Home.

Vicki Robinson, Your Money or Your Life

I had to close the book at this point for a few moments. This is me. 40 hours a week. 40 hours of my life energy, plus five for the forced lunch I have to take, plus five more for the time I spend commuting to work, plus five more for the time I spend when I get home to complain about work problems.

Honestly, I really like my job. I worked really hard to get here as you’ll see in my “Week Three – Honest Photos – Career and Money” post that will be up this weekend. I work with amazing people and I get to work on really cool projects that make a huge difference in people’s lives. But if I had one million dollars tomorrow would I still work here? No. I’d stash that money into savings, work 3 days a week part time to support my basic needs, and spend the rest of my time writing. Writing is my passion and what I enjoy doing. I work so I can pay my bills and live in a home and write inside of that home for the few hours I actually get to myself. My other passion? Traveling. I get ten PTO days a year to travel. I manage to fit in a lot with that time, taking extended weekends and stretching out time off next to holidays, but I’d like to do more. I’d like to sleep in. Take care of my body. Walk more. Not be so tired all the time.

This book really helps you think through what you want with the the small amount of life energy you have left. At the end of the day our most valuable resource is our TIME. How do we want to spend it? How much do we really need?

I encourage anyone who has these thoughts to read this book. There’s an amazing step by step program to look at your finances and discover your real hourly wage and honestly get a good feel for what you want to do with your life.

A better summary of the book can be found here, you can buy it on Amazon here, and my personal recommendation is that you can get it from your library! For free! You guys, the library is seriously amazing. Check it out. If you have an e-reader you can even get the book delivered there for free like I did. Plus you’d be supporting your local library. Win-Win.

“We aren’t making a living we are making a dying. What we do for money dominates our waking hours and life is what can be fit into the scant remaining time”

YouTube Throwbacks

Craigslist Jobs: Entry Level Opening

Behind the video: I felt like sharing one of the later videos with you all this time. Mostly because it relates a bit to what my post for this week will be for honest photos. This was posted in September of 2013 just a few days before I was going to be fired from the job I hated that I moved to Portland for. I was already job searching so I had a feeling the end was nigh I just didn’t realize how nigh. In the video I talk about a disturbing job posting on Craigslist and try to make light of my situation. In the realm of honesty I was not in a good place, not happy with my move and really upset at being so far from my significant other. Enjoy the throwback!

Honest Pictures

Honest Pictures – Week Two – Honest Social Media

LiveJournal: 2004-2006

MySpace: 2005-2007

Facebook: 2007-Present

Instagram: 2013-Present

That is the lifespan of my social media accounts. These were and are the big four where I can remember portraying myself for the first time in a way that wasn’t always 100% honest. These four platforms of Live Journal, MySpace, Facebook and Instagram are the ones where I put enough of myself into them that I can still go back and see what kind of person I was pretending to be when I was on them. Livejournal wasn’t for pictures. It was for airing your teenage thoughts in an extremely vague way and hoping someone would comment and ask you if you were alright or say that they thought you were funny. It’s the first social platform I can remember being solidly addicted to. Here is a sample of 15 year old me being sad on it.

This was the least embarrassing entry I found. I cringed so hard today reading all these that I think I broke a blood vessel. I was the weirdest teenager. Also, remember when texts cost money and weren’t unlimited?

Unfortunately (or fortunately?) MySpace took off in such a different direction than it was in in the early 2000s that you can’t go back and see your posts or your friends. Profiles have changed and the platform looks nothing like it once did. If you still have an account you were too lazy to delete, it’s impossible to go back and see what you’ve posted, which is probably a good thing. I remember being a bit of wannabe ‘scene kid’ when I was in high school. I was really into going to local shows, dyeing my hair bright shades of red, wearing belts sideways, and taking many many selfies with my giant digital camera hoping that I could pull off a great MySpace bathroom pic.

This is the closest I ever got in photo form to feeling like I was belonging of being super fucking cool *CRINGE*

It was the first time I remember feeling like I could never look a certain way. Remember those scene hair cuts the girls had? Short, weird layers, highlights, parted on the side. I wanted to have one so badly, but my hair was just too thick to pull it off. Now I love my thick hair, but I remember just thinking it was the worst thing to not look like everyone else I was seeing online. I also was poor. I couldn’t go buy band t-shirts, collar shirts to stick under them, multiple studded belts, etc. My parents would also kill me if I got snake bite piercings, which fortunately I only wanted really badly for a week or two. This is all extremely embarrassing now that I type it up, but it’s the truth and it’s important to tell it because this was the first time in my life that I played the COMPARISON GAME.

Depressed

Then came Facebook. Instagram luckily didn’t exist in 2008-2009 when I first moved to Seattle to go to school. I can only imagine how my mental state would have deteriorated even further from it if it was around. I did however post on Facebook a few times about how awesome I was doing, how Seattle GOT me and how I was living this great life at college. I felt like I had to lie and let people think I was doing really well there. I saw everyone else living their best lives online and I thought, why is my life not like that? Not even thinking that maybe those people weren’t doing as good as they said they were.

Truthfully, I hadn’t really made any friends, I lived in a single dorm, ate alone and walked to class alone. I had a few friends that were living in the area and saw them sometimes, but mostly I was alone and my boyfriend at the time (now husband) lived six hours away. My parents had just gotten a divorce, I moved to a city I didn’t know anyone in, I was dealing with a some problems that were all about to come to a head, and I was depressed. I didn’t even realize it at the time, but it took me a year after I graduated and moved back home to finally understand how bad it was.

Starvin’ like marvin’

Facebook was JUST taking off and no one really understood how it worked yet, or what you were supposed to do with it. I didn’t really post on any social network sites during this time, but I have a few pictures I took of myself during this time and was close to developing an eating disorder. This is one of the few pics I have at the time. I wasn’t unhealthy thin yet, I don’t have any pictures of that time, but I was eating hardly anything and I continued to from October 2008-June 2009. Luckily I moved back home after I graduated and my eating habits returned to semi-normal although it wouldn’t be until 2012 that I really felt I had a normal relationship with food again. I still look back at my time in Seattle as a really lovely time, but sometimes it scares me to think about the person I was becoming.

Essentially all this so far has just been to show you how social media shaped me from my very first account until now. How we put the version of ourselves out there that we want other people to see. To show you that what you see isn’t always the truth.

Then came INSTAGRAM. I resisted getting an account for SO LONG, but finally took the leap in 2013. I do really enjoy Instagram. I’m not knocking it, but I think it’s important to be honest about our lives when we share photos and also to help people realize that what you’re seeing is a curated, chosen snapshot of someone’s day: not the real life they are living.

I think the best way to show you the truth is sharing some photos I posted during the first two years that I moved from Spokane to Portland. The in between time from my undergrad degree in Seattle to my life in Portland was filled with a great part time job in Spokane with the best coworkers who turned into the best friends, lots of drinking (I just turned 21) and getting a masters degree because I didn’t want to grow up and school seemed easier. Also Spokane had ZERO jobs at the time and I eventually turned 23 and really needed to get my shit together. So I started applying to jobs in Seattle and Portland and I got one in Portland immediately so I put in my two weeks, packed up my car, prepared to do a long distance relationship (again) and peaced out of Spokane. I was nervous, but excited. I wasn’t sure I was doing the right thing, but I knew I was never going to find the job I wanted in Spokane. Also, from the moment I moved there in 2002 I’d been trying to escape.

Peace out Spokane. Bigger and better pastures is what this picture says. What this picture doesn’t tell you is that I spent two hours crying before I took it, not wanting to leave my boyfriend (again) and unsure if I was making a good decision.

I was going to stay with my Aunt and Uncle in Portland until I could save enough to move out. Jesse was planning on following me once he found a job and all we had to do was save money and wait. It would be EASY. And if it wasn’t easy (and it wasn’t) I sure as shit wasn’t going to tell anyone about it. I started my new job the next day and realized quickly that I had fallen into a terrible, terrible call center scam. Oh, stupid me. Stupid me. Still, it wasn’t a bad company and if you could crush it hard enough at sales you could move up to actually do search engine marketing for them (the job I thought I was getting). It just took some dedication and time. Unfortunately for me, I’m really bad at sales. Really bad. Mostly because I don’t believe in them. I’m really against selling someone something they don’t need or really want. So for the next two months I got up at 4am, drove to work pep talking myself and crying, got on the phones, didn’t make sales, and felt like complete and utter shit.

Honesty for once, but I tried to turn it into a joke. I was drinking half a bottle of something every day.

One great thing about Portland is we have the BEST food. THE BEST FOOD. I didn’t know anyone and I was sad so I spent a lot of time after work eating. And when that didn’t make me feel better I spent a lot of time after work drinking. I made this all sound VERY cool of me but I was putting on weight and getting majorly depressed. Even more depressed than my time in Seattle and this time I knew how to recognize it. All I wanted to do was sleep. On the weekends I’d wake up, pretend to be normal for a few hours and then go in my room to pretend to job search and just fall asleep again for six more hours. I was spending every moment I wasn’t at my awful job sleeping, drinking, or eating. I missed Jesse. I missed my old job (actually almost tried to get it back and admit defeat). I missed having friends. I missed not having panic attacks at the thought of going to work.

Mercifully the job fired me at the 3 month mark (just before I would have been eligible for health insurance, nice job America). **Side note: I was able to get insurance for a year and a half after this for free through the affordable care act and I am so grateful. It allowed me access to birth control, dental care I desperately needed and antibiotics when I had an infection during this time)** I was confused, scared, but also a bit happy because I didn’t think I could handle it much longer. I kept it to myself for a few days intending to tell Jesse on Monday. Instead he called me first and told me he found a job in Portland. Well….here we go. We decided to make the move official and he came to live with me in my tiny room at my Aunt and Uncles where I put on a brave face and job hunted while he went to work every day. We were both pretty miserable and it was definitely a low for us. I blamed myself for moving us here and our unhappiness, but we honestly couldn’t go back. There were no jobs where we were and Jesse liked his. That was a silver lining. I would job hunt like crazy, go on interviews daily, but anytime I wasn’t doing that, I was back to sleeping and eating and pretending to be happy when I was awake (luckily I kicked the drinking). So what were my posts like during this weird limbo period? Oh they were the exact opposite of my real feelings. A bunch of pics of me eating Portland food and living my best life in the big city. Ooo the ocean! Ooo bridges! Ooo cheese factories!

Sometimes the truth soaked through and I let people see a bit of what I was feeling (see below), but I never really just came out and said it. I AM DEPRESSED. I REGRET MOVING HERE. I SPEND ALL DAY IN THE DARK SLEEPING OR WATCHING TV WISHING I COULD TAKE BACK THE LAST THREE MONTHS.

I’m grateful we moved here though. I really love Portland (it’s been six years!) and I’m so happy we came here for several reasons. One of them being that I got to know my niece really well, who was just a newborn when I first came. She’s been such a joy in my life and I’m so grateful I got the opportunity to watch her grow up.

I’m going to stop here in late 2013 and pick up next week right here as I talk though the photos I was posting after this time in my life. Mostly because it’s really career and job focused and I wanted to talk about social media and photos we post in relation to money and careers. I’ll be sharing what I posted during the few shit jobs that followed this period all the way up until now. Sometimes I was honest…sometimes I wasn’t.

I want to wrap up honest photos on week four with some truths about motherhood and pregnancy. I am not a mother and I have not been pregnant, but the book I’m reading on Social Media had a really wonderful chapter on this that spoke to me as a woman and I wanted to share. Also, I know a lot of you reading this are pregnant or have kids and I think what I read was really important and I want to share it with you all.

Let me know in the comments about your social media untruths. Was there a time you made a big life decision and made it look MUCH cooler than it actually was? Until next week.

PUSH UP UPDATE: I didn’t want to share this with you all because I was embarrassed, but in the realm of honesty I have found myself in this month….I had to stop push ups this week because I hurt myself. This isn’t as embarrassing as showing you that clip from my LiveJournal, but still I’m not very pleased with myself. Sad to say I probably should have started with wall push ups instead of knee push ups. I’m recovering now from a pinched nerve in my shoulder and an aggravation of my mild carpal tunnel (yay office life) in my wrists because of the work I’ve done so far. I didn’t want to stop making progress (because I really was), but I also was warned from a friend to take my push ups easy because if you push your body too hard when it’s not ready you could end up doing some real lasting damage. So I listened to them and to my body and stopped. I’m hoping to pick back up with wall push ups next week once I feel I’ve fully recovered. I’m committed to doing 100 real push ups in a row without stopping by the end of the year. I just have to take a bit of a detour. Any advice if you’re an exercise person IS welcome.